Well, unfortunately I was not at the fields this week. I am in New York City where I attended some kickball games in Manhattan at a field right on the East River. Please do not tell me about how "cold" it was in Tampa, I don't want to hear it. Since I was obviously not there to witness any games, I can't really give an accurate description of what happened on the field. That has never stopped me before though and so in the interest of keeping you thoroughly entertained during those boring hours at work, I will attempt to channel my inner psychic and give you what I am sure you will find a completely accurate account of everything that I imagine might have happened at the fields.
This night starts out right with Balls and Dolls and 99 Problems. 99 Problems came into this game with the best offense in the division, posting a 5 runs per game average but desperately wanted a win in order post a winning record on the season. 99 Problems started off early with a big first inning and defense held tight until in the 4th inning they forgot how to play defense and started throwing the ball to the wrong bases, allowing Balls and Dolls to tie it up. In the 5th there was a controversial call at first base and 99 Problems co-captain, Heide, came out to argue and to prove she knew the rule she was sure to mention that her team has a combined 127 seasons worth of kickball experience "so of course we know the rules". The call is corrected in 99 Problems favor. Balls and Dolls realizing that mathematically speaking they had no chance of catching the Seminoles in the standings decided to molest each other rather than paying much attention to playing kickball allowing 99 Problems to mount a huge rally. 99 Problems wins in this high a barnburner 116-7.
Field 2 saw Baller I Hardly Know Her play Booze on First. Baller I Hardly Know Her came into this game with the worst defense since the Raging Balls debacle of 2009. Meanwhile Booze on First, despite the fact that they had not won a game all season, has one of the best defenses in the league but their offense definitely struggles. In this game Booze on First made one masterful defensive play after another. Be sure to check out ESPN Sportscenter because the top 10 plays of the day all came from the black side from this game. Booze on first wasn't able to get anything going on offense but their stunning defense stole the show and they somehow found a way to win their first game of the season. Booze on first won this game 0 to negative 1.
Masterbatters and Multiple Scorgasm faced of in this sponsored KY Jelly Getting Off Bowl. As you might expect, there was lots of scoring in this game. There were home runs galore in this game as the Masterbatter girls seemed quite willing to allow any Multiple Scorgasm guy to round third. The key play in the game came when a MasterBatters girl was trying to score but was apparently thrown out at the plate. Not so fast though as the ball hit her in the head so she was awarded home plate for taking a ball to the chin. Masterbatters won this one 6 to 9.
The late game on field 1 had Asstastic Balls and Quit Yer Pitchin. As per usual Asstastic Balls had a great first inning and were able to score 3 runs. Amazingly they forget how to play offense for the rest of the game and don't get another runner on base. Meanwhile Quit Yer Pitchin is able to scrape back a little at a time and are able to tie the game at 3 in the 6th inning. With a runner on second QYP team captain Courtney was at the plate. She dropped a bunt down the third base line and hauled ass to first with her patented bobble head running style. She made it safely to first base but tripped over first and did a spectacular barrel roll with legs flying and traveled a good 5 feet. Asstastic Balls, being the good people that they are were concerned about the safety and well being of Courtney and the QYP runner from second was able to score without anyone paying attention to him and won the game. Quit Yer Pitchin won 4-3.
Last but not least, Seminoles vs We've Got the Runs. First place vs last place. This game should have been over before it started but We've Got The Runs had a secret weapon. They introduced 4 new players to the team. They've been on the roster all season but were too busy to show up to play. The names of these players; Mark Pestilence, Tommy War, Vince Famine and Roberto Death. A cold chill covered the field ans swarms of locusts consumed all of the grass. The Seminoles saw their opponents and decided, "well fuck that. We already clinched the regular season" and walked off the field before any game was actually able to be played. We've Got The Runs won 5-0 by forfeit.
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